These Moments

It is in these moments that I know that God is here, near and cares.  Over the past month life as I know it has been flipped turned upside down.  Selah Jovi B. entered this world at 25 weeks.  As a doula I have never faced a situation like this.  She is coming too early, how can this be?  Yet, I am overwhelmed with the feeling that she will be okay. 
There are 100's of things I never want to forget about her life... things too precious to share even here.  But there are things I will miss because she is gone.  The first time she calls me "Mama Christie".  Her first sleep over at Mama Christie's.  The bond that comes with all my "babies".  Letting her watch Barbie movies.  Seeing her grow up in our fellowship.  Yet all these things God knew would never happen.
 He knew all her days before one of them came to be.  All 23 of them.  A number so small, yet so profound.  A number of days that will forever change the course of my history along with everyone at our fellowship.
She brought us close to our Savior.  Her Savior.  She taught us to stop, pause and think about Him.  He doesn't sleep or slumber.  He is not weak or slow.  He has proven Himself strong on her behalf and I am thankful.
 I do not know for sure what life will be like with Jesus... but I hope that along with meeting my 1st child, hugging all those who have gone before me, that He would be gracious enough to allow me to meet Selah and know that she was one of my babies... as I was doing the work He has gifted me to do.

I love you Selah... but Jesus loves you more.

Lord Let me Serve! (written many years ago)

The past few days have been nothing less that an amazing blessing from the Lord... VBS, Song Writing, and ministry ideas... and ministry opportunities! Yet I am dumbfounded at the lack of assertiveness of "wanting" to do ministry in myself and others. Oh today I am ready to take on the world... evangelize nations/trailer parks... prayer and meditate on God's word... push others to follow you. But what about tomorrow, next week, month, year... will I be here spiritually looking back and not knowing what happened to all the ideas and justifying my disobedience?

Lord me be serve....

Written a LONG time ago

Ryan and I have the privilege to work with teenagers. When I take a moment to think back on the past 8 1/2 years, my mind fills with faces and lives. It is a wondrous and glorious thing for us to be able to open our home to these precious lives and see how God works in them. Of course I could paint a rosy picture of all the good times we have shared...and believe me there are some CRAZY times to share, but that would not be the reality of the everyday. Teens are no different than us grown ups... their hearts break, their friends lie about them and break trust with them, their parents divorce, they wrestle with their beliefs and much like ourselves they seem wise in their own eyes and follow a path that leads to destruction. The joy that comes from these times in teenagers lives is connection.
I want to connect with them, be real with them, love them enough to say "is that God's best for you?" Again, saying this sounds so "noble and caring", however after 8 1/2 years of youth ministry the everyday looks very different. The veil that will one day be removed is so thick and heavy, blocking what we really need to see. The veil that has covered my eyes is hopelessness... "but how?" Working with people and seeing the sin of my own heart leaves me so often in a place of hopelessness. I could graph out for you the progression of "youth ministry" and the outcome is soooooo bleak. My heart breaks for humanity and I am so thankful that Christ has come that we may have HOPE.
We (humanity) so desperately needs to CRY out to Jesus... He is our HOPE.

Beauty in the normal....

I don't know what I was expecting... my a rush of butterflies or a feeling of void filled, but either have been the case. As I have welcomed another child in my home, who very soon could be my son... everything feels very normal. The Lord is so good... he prepared my heart for today. There is no extra love, there is no extra attention... there is abounding grace that this is exactly what the Russell normal should be.

Toys are everywhere... I have broken up fights... Toys are being thrown and shared... there is just one more smile, one more face to kiss and one more belly to tickle.

Beauty in the normal!

Lord Let Me See... the floor

As I reflect over the past year, my heart is overwhelmed with the changes that have taken place.  From a soul that was crying out for an eternal perspective to a now soul that would take it all back to have one more touch, one more word, one more "No, REALLY, I love you."  The eternal perspective has been given though and the what ifs and why are all laid on the floor. 

My soul is so deeply thankful for being able to physically care for Joye and Herman... and yet I can not comprehend that they are gone.  My heart is overwhelmed to see pictures of my dad just a few months ago playing with the kids and now all I can remember is his gentle touch, gone forever. 

Death comes as a mercy for those who are believers and suffer. 

In the moments that have forever changed my life I am uniquely linked to floor.  It is the place I fall.  I fall over in disbelief of what is happening, I fall into a ball of tears, I fall and just rock back and forth as questions flood my mind.  It is fitting that the floor would be the place for that; is where I am most humbled.

I remember the first time I purposed to be on the floor... the moment I realized I had NEVER bowed before my King.  So I nervously placed myself on the floor of our apartment and prayed to the King of Kings. I remember the embarrassment I felt alone in my apartment, how ridiculous.  It is where I meet Christ face to face and call for Him.

Humility comes when I bow myself before you on the floor, be it the actual floor or the floor of my heart.  You look down and remember that I am but dust and have mercy on me... but I need the floor to remind me that you are all I need.  Lord, humble me and please let me see the floor that I may glorify you, every second, every hour, every day.  

Unsure...

Lord,

I am unsure about Your ways... which doesn't surprise you... because you have already told me that I will NEVER understand your ways.

With so much sickness in our families right now... I know your strength, grace and mercy will be enough. Help me in my unbelief right now... because this life is not the goal... give me eternal eyes to see the beautiful of the victory over death on the cross!

I love you Lord

real feeings...

God is so faithful... everything He says is true and His word has comforted my heart today. But I am overcome... weak, filling to the brim with tears that have yet to fall... scared of the future... but know that God has it all planned out... will I be faithful or fearful?

I LOVE YOU LORD... just love you like a little girl... Thank you for finding me worthy even if only for two weeks.