Lord Let Me See... the floor

As I reflect over the past year, my heart is overwhelmed with the changes that have taken place.  From a soul that was crying out for an eternal perspective to a now soul that would take it all back to have one more touch, one more word, one more "No, REALLY, I love you."  The eternal perspective has been given though and the what ifs and why are all laid on the floor. 

My soul is so deeply thankful for being able to physically care for Joye and Herman... and yet I can not comprehend that they are gone.  My heart is overwhelmed to see pictures of my dad just a few months ago playing with the kids and now all I can remember is his gentle touch, gone forever. 

Death comes as a mercy for those who are believers and suffer. 

In the moments that have forever changed my life I am uniquely linked to floor.  It is the place I fall.  I fall over in disbelief of what is happening, I fall into a ball of tears, I fall and just rock back and forth as questions flood my mind.  It is fitting that the floor would be the place for that; is where I am most humbled.

I remember the first time I purposed to be on the floor... the moment I realized I had NEVER bowed before my King.  So I nervously placed myself on the floor of our apartment and prayed to the King of Kings. I remember the embarrassment I felt alone in my apartment, how ridiculous.  It is where I meet Christ face to face and call for Him.

Humility comes when I bow myself before you on the floor, be it the actual floor or the floor of my heart.  You look down and remember that I am but dust and have mercy on me... but I need the floor to remind me that you are all I need.  Lord, humble me and please let me see the floor that I may glorify you, every second, every hour, every day.  

Unsure...

Lord,

I am unsure about Your ways... which doesn't surprise you... because you have already told me that I will NEVER understand your ways.

With so much sickness in our families right now... I know your strength, grace and mercy will be enough. Help me in my unbelief right now... because this life is not the goal... give me eternal eyes to see the beautiful of the victory over death on the cross!

I love you Lord

real feeings...

God is so faithful... everything He says is true and His word has comforted my heart today. But I am overcome... weak, filling to the brim with tears that have yet to fall... scared of the future... but know that God has it all planned out... will I be faithful or fearful?

I LOVE YOU LORD... just love you like a little girl... Thank you for finding me worthy even if only for two weeks.

Blood Stained

Lord Let Me Be Cheered On!

As I was walking this morning... I was struck by the cloud of witness passage. Having Christ, God the Father and His Holy Spirit is MORE than enough in every situation and circumstance of life but in His goodness, love and graciousness He allows us to have a cloud of witnesses cheering, encouraging, and motivating us on in this race of life. They have been there and they have won the prize of Christ and know that it is good. As ironic as it was, as I walked in the cemetery...I saw Christ, Jacob and Johanna (my great grandparents), Mary and Jennie (my grandmothers), Maria (a young friend who died in 6th grade), Grandpa Crissman, and Anneke... cheering me on this morning... because my soul hit the wall and needed to see their radiant faces reflecting His glory.
Thanks!!

Lord Let Me Proclaim...

As we stood in Pit Road, my head tilted up and I saw the 100's of thousands of people seated cheering & screaming with excitement as their favorite drivers zoomed around the track. Then my mind went to a scene that was sketched out in the book " A Voice in the Wind." A young girl standing in a stadium, no different than this track, 100's of thousands of people cheering & screaming with excitement as they murdered Christ followers. My heart got a sick feeling as I realized that "real" people in this very "real" setting have died because of their unwavering faith in Jesus Christ. Then came the question to my mind... "Would I be so unwavering?"
Of course my initial response was "YES... I would never deny Christ!" Then the gentle yet sharp nudging of the Holy Spirit directed me to all the times daily I "deny" Christ. When I loss my cool, say words that dishonor Him, place judgments on His Children, and refuse to love with the love of Christ. If I can not stand in my kitchen and with unwavering clarity say, "it is for this Christ has died and given me a new life," then how could I be so bold in the center of a stadium with the breathe of the lion breathing down my neck?

Lord Let Me Move

At the almost year mark of Anneke's death, there are more days than not that I forget that she is not here. My heart hurts, aches to talk to her. I still find myself thinking, "I should call Anneke..." But I know she is with You, praising You, worshiping You, seeing You. Why would she want to be here? She wouldn't!

But my heart, my selfishness... wants to see her... hear her... feel her... love her!
Lord, I need your help.... to move me past these days of sorrow. As we get ready to leave for Holland, my heart grows more and more overwhelmed with the understanding that she is not going to be there. I want to make new memories, with my "new" family. You are placing a deep love in my heart for Sandra and at times I am thankful and others I am angry because I want Anneke... but those are not your plans. Help me to move in the pure and holy direction of Your Will. I trust You!

In Jesus Name ~