These Moments

It is in these moments that I know that God is here, near and cares.  Over the past month life as I know it has been flipped turned upside down.  Selah Jovi B. entered this world at 25 weeks.  As a doula I have never faced a situation like this.  She is coming too early, how can this be?  Yet, I am overwhelmed with the feeling that she will be okay. 
There are 100's of things I never want to forget about her life... things too precious to share even here.  But there are things I will miss because she is gone.  The first time she calls me "Mama Christie".  Her first sleep over at Mama Christie's.  The bond that comes with all my "babies".  Letting her watch Barbie movies.  Seeing her grow up in our fellowship.  Yet all these things God knew would never happen.
 He knew all her days before one of them came to be.  All 23 of them.  A number so small, yet so profound.  A number of days that will forever change the course of my history along with everyone at our fellowship.
She brought us close to our Savior.  Her Savior.  She taught us to stop, pause and think about Him.  He doesn't sleep or slumber.  He is not weak or slow.  He has proven Himself strong on her behalf and I am thankful.
 I do not know for sure what life will be like with Jesus... but I hope that along with meeting my 1st child, hugging all those who have gone before me, that He would be gracious enough to allow me to meet Selah and know that she was one of my babies... as I was doing the work He has gifted me to do.

I love you Selah... but Jesus loves you more.

Lord Let me Serve! (written many years ago)

The past few days have been nothing less that an amazing blessing from the Lord... VBS, Song Writing, and ministry ideas... and ministry opportunities! Yet I am dumbfounded at the lack of assertiveness of "wanting" to do ministry in myself and others. Oh today I am ready to take on the world... evangelize nations/trailer parks... prayer and meditate on God's word... push others to follow you. But what about tomorrow, next week, month, year... will I be here spiritually looking back and not knowing what happened to all the ideas and justifying my disobedience?

Lord me be serve....

Written a LONG time ago

Ryan and I have the privilege to work with teenagers. When I take a moment to think back on the past 8 1/2 years, my mind fills with faces and lives. It is a wondrous and glorious thing for us to be able to open our home to these precious lives and see how God works in them. Of course I could paint a rosy picture of all the good times we have shared...and believe me there are some CRAZY times to share, but that would not be the reality of the everyday. Teens are no different than us grown ups... their hearts break, their friends lie about them and break trust with them, their parents divorce, they wrestle with their beliefs and much like ourselves they seem wise in their own eyes and follow a path that leads to destruction. The joy that comes from these times in teenagers lives is connection.
I want to connect with them, be real with them, love them enough to say "is that God's best for you?" Again, saying this sounds so "noble and caring", however after 8 1/2 years of youth ministry the everyday looks very different. The veil that will one day be removed is so thick and heavy, blocking what we really need to see. The veil that has covered my eyes is hopelessness... "but how?" Working with people and seeing the sin of my own heart leaves me so often in a place of hopelessness. I could graph out for you the progression of "youth ministry" and the outcome is soooooo bleak. My heart breaks for humanity and I am so thankful that Christ has come that we may have HOPE.
We (humanity) so desperately needs to CRY out to Jesus... He is our HOPE.

Beauty in the normal....

I don't know what I was expecting... my a rush of butterflies or a feeling of void filled, but either have been the case. As I have welcomed another child in my home, who very soon could be my son... everything feels very normal. The Lord is so good... he prepared my heart for today. There is no extra love, there is no extra attention... there is abounding grace that this is exactly what the Russell normal should be.

Toys are everywhere... I have broken up fights... Toys are being thrown and shared... there is just one more smile, one more face to kiss and one more belly to tickle.

Beauty in the normal!

Lord Let Me See... the floor

As I reflect over the past year, my heart is overwhelmed with the changes that have taken place.  From a soul that was crying out for an eternal perspective to a now soul that would take it all back to have one more touch, one more word, one more "No, REALLY, I love you."  The eternal perspective has been given though and the what ifs and why are all laid on the floor. 

My soul is so deeply thankful for being able to physically care for Joye and Herman... and yet I can not comprehend that they are gone.  My heart is overwhelmed to see pictures of my dad just a few months ago playing with the kids and now all I can remember is his gentle touch, gone forever. 

Death comes as a mercy for those who are believers and suffer. 

In the moments that have forever changed my life I am uniquely linked to floor.  It is the place I fall.  I fall over in disbelief of what is happening, I fall into a ball of tears, I fall and just rock back and forth as questions flood my mind.  It is fitting that the floor would be the place for that; is where I am most humbled.

I remember the first time I purposed to be on the floor... the moment I realized I had NEVER bowed before my King.  So I nervously placed myself on the floor of our apartment and prayed to the King of Kings. I remember the embarrassment I felt alone in my apartment, how ridiculous.  It is where I meet Christ face to face and call for Him.

Humility comes when I bow myself before you on the floor, be it the actual floor or the floor of my heart.  You look down and remember that I am but dust and have mercy on me... but I need the floor to remind me that you are all I need.  Lord, humble me and please let me see the floor that I may glorify you, every second, every hour, every day.  

Unsure...

Lord,

I am unsure about Your ways... which doesn't surprise you... because you have already told me that I will NEVER understand your ways.

With so much sickness in our families right now... I know your strength, grace and mercy will be enough. Help me in my unbelief right now... because this life is not the goal... give me eternal eyes to see the beautiful of the victory over death on the cross!

I love you Lord

real feeings...

God is so faithful... everything He says is true and His word has comforted my heart today. But I am overcome... weak, filling to the brim with tears that have yet to fall... scared of the future... but know that God has it all planned out... will I be faithful or fearful?

I LOVE YOU LORD... just love you like a little girl... Thank you for finding me worthy even if only for two weeks.

Blood Stained

Lord Let Me Be Cheered On!

As I was walking this morning... I was struck by the cloud of witness passage. Having Christ, God the Father and His Holy Spirit is MORE than enough in every situation and circumstance of life but in His goodness, love and graciousness He allows us to have a cloud of witnesses cheering, encouraging, and motivating us on in this race of life. They have been there and they have won the prize of Christ and know that it is good. As ironic as it was, as I walked in the cemetery...I saw Christ, Jacob and Johanna (my great grandparents), Mary and Jennie (my grandmothers), Maria (a young friend who died in 6th grade), Grandpa Crissman, and Anneke... cheering me on this morning... because my soul hit the wall and needed to see their radiant faces reflecting His glory.
Thanks!!

Lord Let Me Proclaim...

As we stood in Pit Road, my head tilted up and I saw the 100's of thousands of people seated cheering & screaming with excitement as their favorite drivers zoomed around the track. Then my mind went to a scene that was sketched out in the book " A Voice in the Wind." A young girl standing in a stadium, no different than this track, 100's of thousands of people cheering & screaming with excitement as they murdered Christ followers. My heart got a sick feeling as I realized that "real" people in this very "real" setting have died because of their unwavering faith in Jesus Christ. Then came the question to my mind... "Would I be so unwavering?"
Of course my initial response was "YES... I would never deny Christ!" Then the gentle yet sharp nudging of the Holy Spirit directed me to all the times daily I "deny" Christ. When I loss my cool, say words that dishonor Him, place judgments on His Children, and refuse to love with the love of Christ. If I can not stand in my kitchen and with unwavering clarity say, "it is for this Christ has died and given me a new life," then how could I be so bold in the center of a stadium with the breathe of the lion breathing down my neck?

Lord Let Me Move

At the almost year mark of Anneke's death, there are more days than not that I forget that she is not here. My heart hurts, aches to talk to her. I still find myself thinking, "I should call Anneke..." But I know she is with You, praising You, worshiping You, seeing You. Why would she want to be here? She wouldn't!

But my heart, my selfishness... wants to see her... hear her... feel her... love her!
Lord, I need your help.... to move me past these days of sorrow. As we get ready to leave for Holland, my heart grows more and more overwhelmed with the understanding that she is not going to be there. I want to make new memories, with my "new" family. You are placing a deep love in my heart for Sandra and at times I am thankful and others I am angry because I want Anneke... but those are not your plans. Help me to move in the pure and holy direction of Your Will. I trust You!

In Jesus Name ~

Lord Let Me Understand

"There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him, haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devised wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers." Proverbs 6: 16-19

Often the words have come my mouth in bible study..."If I would just apply this one truth to my life, it would change forever!" The same can be said for these truths from God's word. In verses 16-19, if the Light of the Holy Spirit was free to search me and know me then my heart would remain clean of these abominations to God. Yet, my flesh harbors them close masking them in justifications of my making and not the blood of Christ.

Keep the teachings..."Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you. for the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life..." 6:20-23


My prayer is that in the moments of life when God allows me to pause and call on Him as the All-Sufficient One, drawing from His word that should be bound in my heart, around my neck...that my heart would stop and ask Him to fill me... when He offers to take me for a walk and prove Himself the God who Provides...my heart would walk, without complaining that I am not getting something else done, but just walk...When opportunity knocks and His desire is to be My Banner, going before me to lead me in a kingdom endeavor...my heart/flesh would take the rightful backseat and move the safety of His protection...When my body rest and His watchful eye is watching over all... my heart would trust that all things are firmly and securely in His hands...Then when my eyes open to the dawn that my thoughts would be drawn to Him, and His mercies that are new... that my heart would listen to His truth as The Word speaks...May I see the commands of the Lord in the light of His love for me and see that through them there is life.

"Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?" 6:27-28

May this verse wash over me as sin crouches at my hearts door... may it be close to my lips as those whom I love, yet Jesus loves more, pursues to justify their actions that will lead them to death. May the power of The Word move us to holiness.

Lord Let Me Love

"So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

Lately my mind has been swirling with these three concepts... faith, hope and love. I think there is a simple answer to why love is the greatest, however, it has taken me, and is still taking me a while to put words around the thoughts in my head. Faith, is a result of the fall. Before our sin, God was with us, walking, talking, communing... we did not need faith, we had Elohim. And now in our twisted thinking we have taken faith and made it a god. Thinking that we can conjure up enough that we in our power can move mountains, heal the sick, and cast out demons. But faith is essential, without a belief in our God that we can not see then we can not have eternal life. Our faith is rooted and established in Christ and His shed blood... He increases our faith because He is alive and moving even though we can not see Him. When our faith becomes sight, what a moment... what a magnificence moment when there is no more faith!

Hope... a wishing for something with the expectation of it being fulfilled. Our only hope is in Christ. Again, hope is a result of the fall. We had all the fulfillment of the Godhead and His plans for us through creation, then we sinned. And now we must hope in the promise that through Christ there is more to come and He has already made the way possible through the shedding of His blood and His willingness to bear the wrath of God on our behalf. When we meet our Savior face to face, there will be no more hope... it will be fulfilled!

But Love... Only love will remain, because Love is the product of our God. It is that emotion that gets us in our guts. We know that it is bigger than us but yet it consumes us. We twist and turn it to fit what we need. We excuse our behavior and better judgment in the name of it. We sell our purity, our respect, our lives just for a moment of it. We move from one person to the next like a drug addict looking for her next fix. When in reality the one thing we love most is ourselves. It is the one thing we have directly from the person of God and use it against Him because our selfishness. Because when we see His love for us, we can not believe it. "For God so loved the world (i.e you) that He gave is only Son (He left praise, majesty, power, honor, glory, respect), that whoever (even if it was just one person) would believe in Him should not perish (His love is so extravagant that He wants none of us to die because of sin), but have eternal life (forever forgiven and in His presence). John 3:16... but keep reading... When faced with a love so extravagant that we find ourselves lost in its power... what do we love... darkness.

That is why the as Christians we will be known by our love. When we come to Christ's cross and allow Him to teach us this selfless extravagant love, we will want to pour it out on others, our husbands, wives, children, THE LOST! We don't have to wait to meet our Savior face to face... His love awaits us NOW! It is the GREATEST and most ENDURING.

Lord Let Me Teach!

"The Lord our God, the Lord is One...You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house..." Deuteronomy 6:4,7

Homeschooling has been a welcomed adventure for me. I have known before I had kids that God had called me to homeschool. I am not one of those everyone should home school soap box preachers. I don't think that we have the "best" curriculum and EVERYONE should use it. When people ask me why I home school, the honest answer is because God told me too. In trials that I have faced recently my assurance of making it through has been that still small voice reminding me that I have been called to teach my children.

Recently, in many venues, I have been challenged to let the gospel come to life. The challenge has stuck to me like glue. And honestly, I have been very discourage at what a poor job I do at communicating the gospel. Sure God provides the opportunity to communicate but I stumble bumble or just stay quiet. So, what does all this have to do with home schooling... good question?

Struggle would be the word that would describe the past month with Caedmon. He has confessed His sins to God and called on Christ and His Blood to save Him. So that puts everyday living in a different light for him even though he doesn't realize it.

Also with the conviction of not commicating the gospel well God has reavealed to me that the way I speak to my children is not appropriate. If I wonder why I get so much attitude and grumbling I only need to look at my words to them. Need less to say the Holy Spirit has been working over time in my heart the past week. Praise The Lord!!

So, this morning during school, Caedmon and I were flying through the activities and assignments, it was going to be a record day! Then we came to the final assignment. Writing numbers. Now, normally, I would ask him to complete the assignment and then busy my self with prep for the next day. But today was different. I wanted to see just how he was doing his work. And what I found was interesting. Halfway... tracing... halfway... writing... so I asked him to erase and write it again... then something amazing happened. He got offended. "This is the best I can do! I can't make it any better!" Now, honestly, left to my flesh I would have steamed off and called it a day sending him to his room. However, my spirit was longing to see the gospel come alive. So, I prayed to myself, asking the Holy Spirit to fill me with patience and wisdom. Taking in a deep breath, Caedmon wrote and rewrote number 80-89 at least two times each! He was so angry at me.

My heart was breaking as I saw the sin that was in his heart toward me and God. So, we stopped for a moment. I reminded Caedmon that school is an act of worship, because we are learning for the glory of God. We don't know the plans that God has for him and so we need to be diligent to learn everything to His glory. I pointed out his sin of anger and frustration. I told him that he could do better and I was not going to limit the power of God to help him. Then I gave him the choice, he could repent and continue to finish writing his numbers, or he could go to his room and in his bed cool off and repent. In deep anger and frustration he almost screamed... "I WANT TO ASK JESUS TO FORGIVE ME!" So, we put the pencil down, he came and sat in my lap and he prayed. "Jesus thank you that you will get rid of my anger toward my mommy and give me a new heart. Holy Spirit help me to do my numbers with a happy heart. In Jesus Name Amen." The Holy Spirit was in my bedroom this morning as Caedmon and I were worshiping Elohim writing the numbers 80-100!

The gospel came alive...

The moments that should...

Ryan has in the recent pasted called me "The Angry Woman"... for good reason. It takes so little to set me off that it is beginning to amaze me. In those moments that should propel me into a person that is more like Christ, I cower in the corner and do my normal thing. Instead of trusting and leaning I scream and throw. The race is hard... God is sovereign... my race in comparison to the thousands who are truly suffering around the world is laughable at best. So, in the moments that should take me to the redemptive power of Your blood, may my heart be willing to follow you there and respond appropriately.

Lord Let me See!

Driving home this morning I realized that God has given His children eyes to see what is unseen. The thought overwhelmed me as I looked back over the past year. I am moved at images of Anneke sitting in her kitchen, bald, dressed in a bath robe unable to discern whether her spoon was a cigarette or not. As she would place the spoon in her mouth and reach for her lighter then it would hit her that she can't smoke her spoon. These, at the time, where heartbreaking images. This women of elegance and beauty was "reduced" to a bath robe and no hair. However, now I look back and through the wisdom of God am able to understand that without that robe and without that bald head Anneke would be living on this planet dead in her sins. With the eyes of God lifes most tragic moments takes on a whole new meaning.

Honestly, I like being sad about things that are sad. But then God says to me like a Father showing a child something magical through a telescope "Come hear and look at this..." Then I see the same characters, the same surroundings but everything is drastically different. The Hand of God is over, in and around the people, situation, and surroundings and my perspective MUST change. Because with God all things are possible and therefore there is always hope and joy.

So again this morning as I was reflecting and allowing God's perspective to grab my heart... my thoughts wander to the future... there are so many hard things that I know await many people that I love, there are wonderful things too. Lord, Let me See (with Your eyes)!

Lord Let Me Know You

Lord you are knowable. You have revealed yourself, your love, your character in your word. Open our ears that you created, our hearts that you formed and our minds that you fashioned so we can know you, love you and understand your salvation through Christ's blood.

Lord Let Me Pray

Prayer is a precious way to communicate with God. We don't try to change God's mind, but we seek to commune with Him so that He can change our hearts. Through prayer we understand who God is and He opens our eyes to see how He is working, where He wants us to be, and we find peace when we don't understand because of All that He has revealed about Himself.

Please post prayer request here. He cares about everything so lets talk to Him about it!

Lord Let Me Sing

Lord Let Me Sing is a lyric from an Andrew Peterson song. I love to sing. The Lord has given me time after time to sing praises to Him, lead others in praise of Him and He has given my heart songs that are just for Him. He also gives me things to write about. All of which I find as another way to sing. I don't write things because I think people will read and be better for it, nor do I just write for the sake of writing. This page is for those times that He fills my heart and mind with something and I just need to let it out. If you are reading this, my prayer is that you would find Christ in the words and be changed by Him.